Angela
It’s the wintertime, so its cold in GR. Its a small city, so distractions are at a minimum. It helps me focus on my work. Angela was supposed to be a test to see how fast I could make a 3 track EP. It honestly took more months than I intended it to. From writing, to recording, mixing and mastering it all by myself, I’d say it took 4 months. Believe it or not, a lot of mental work goes into making music. And with that, you have to be on top of your mental. My life has been quite the rollercoaster in the making of this project.
I spoke on topics I always wanted to speak on within it. Heartbreak & bitter thoughts. Disappointment. Death of peers, vulnerability. That’s the energy that was put into “Intro”, a track that couldn’t make the EP because of sample clearance issues. Yet on the bright side, there were topics about having drive, achieving goals, getting motivated by losses. That energy went into “Winners Motto” & “Scrimmage”. Writing about vulnerability, I wasn’t a stranger to. But releasing this work was very peculiar for me. I was always patient on how I revealed my vulnerability within my music. Now that Angela is released, that mentality is becoming old.
The energy in this project is pure from channeling what I was going through. For the first time in life, I’ve felt my insecurities & worse, I’ve become self-conscious negatively. I’ve always been aware of oneself. But these few months, positivity has been scarce which has led me to depressing thoughts. These things have impacted my craft in music, social life, love life & family interactions.
Lines like “times like this makes a n*gga feel small”, really captures how I was feeling at the time. I wrote that line after looking in the mirror. I wasn’t feeling myself. From my hair, clothes, I couldn’t even fake a smile. I avoided family interactions because I felt like a failure. Losses from last week still sat with me in the present. Social comparison was killing me. Comparing myself to others in music, old mentors, people that “looked successful. The silliest one of all, sometimes I thought my lady was happier with guys in the past because they may have had more material items than me. My mentor assured me every man has been there “whether they admit it or not”. One day inn a conversation with my cousin i said:
“Sometimes I think about how I was more positive and say to myself ‘damn I miss that n*gga’”.
I sat with this energy for far too long and needed to do something about it.
One night I sat at the edge of my bed. It was pitch black, and quiet. Just enough for me to think. I pulled out my phone and listened to “Winners Motto”, a track from Angela. I was supposed to do a car test on since it was the final song before release.
“I had to learn to take a loss to the chin,
Write down my goals with a pen, and turn them to a win”.
I played that section over and over about thirty times. That was it. That was the start of getting out of this dark place. I wrote a few goals down so I wouldn’t overwhelm myself:
Trim my hair every Sunday.
Write at least two songs a week.
Slowly add to my wardrobe.
Eat more (my diet is terrible).
Say positive affirmations.
Use social media different.
STOP COMPARING ONESELF.
Very small pieces of confidence started to come back. It surely wasn’t overnight, but gradual. I took a ton of risks this year. I stepped outside the box. Simply put, I fed my curiosity. The issues were caused because I have never been this successful ever in life. My negative thoughts consumed me. I got afraid of the height that I climbed myself. Afraid of the places I brought myself. I self sabotaged because of these newfound responsibilities and success. I was all in my head. Self doubt kicked in and I knew better than to succumb.
Here I am. A month in from the release of Angela and the numbers are healthy. So is my mental. I’ve come to realize everyday isn’t going to be a win. When you fail, it’s just another sign that you’re succeeding at trying. I realized the intentions and expectations of people around me are more positive than I thought. I’m still working on that, or shall i say all of this. Angela has helped me a ton with these issues, and people are streaming the EP.
I’ve played with the thought of an album. Styles and sounds. Maybe it’s time to show my self in full form? Im still deciding. Whatever I choose, just like Angela, it’ll be worth everything put into it.
